Wat-a-lotta Temples

Bangkok has a lot of many things. A lot of people, a lot of traffic and a lot of spirit, but more than anything it has a lot of temples. We started at Wat Po, with the massive reclining Buddha and moved on to Wat Arun, with great colour and design and the added bonus of a great view of the city. The Grand Palace came next and besides the Emerald Buddha it is really an awesome spot for a walk with a lot to see.

We both rate the city pretty highly, which is surprising considering we don't really like cities. If you're able to ignore the masses of people trying to rip you off you will discover a place that has a lot to offer. We used the river ferry to get around and started enjoying the banter with the tuk-tuk drivers. The food is amazing and on the whole the people are all friendly and full of life with an overwhelming love for their king. If a shop-owner and his mate can sit on a street corner having a chat and beer at 7:30 on a Monday morning, it can't be all bad.

X-factor

Forget about Simon C, who couldn't find his backside if someone shoved a carrot up it, the real place to look for talent is in waters around Thailand. As I mentioned earlier we spent a day snorkeling around Koh Lipe and had a great time. With us on the boat that day was a couple from Holland and a girl from Bangkok, who said that we could call her X. That same night we shared dinner with X and despite communication issues had a good evening. We exchanged emails and were surprised when X said that we could stay with her brother in Chang Mai.

After a day or 2 in Bangkok I checked my mails and found that I had received 1 from X, giving me all of her brothers details and asking if she could meet us for dinner. We were slightly cautious , remembering the warnings we'd read (everywhere) about friendly locals scamming tourists into paying for expensive dinners and worse, but decided to go with our gut. X seemed like a genuine person so we arranged fro her to meet us at our guesthouse. At 6pm we sat down outside and a few minutes later she arrived. She told us that we were going to a restaurant and we followed her to her car. After presenting us with gifts she zoomed off into the city and came to a stop a while later at a place near the river. We had a wonderful evening with X doing all the ordering and talking us through all the food. What impressed me the most was that she ordered me a bottomless Tiger Beer and a waiter to diligently monitor the volume in my glass.

The meal drew to a close and when the bill arrived X refused to let us pay for a thing, saying that she was going to charge it to her company entertainment allowance. I walked back to her car in a state of shocked inebriation and to round off the evening she took us on a drive through the city. We asked why she had been so generous and she replied simply that she 'liked our style' and was impressed that we had made an effort with someone whose English was poor.

My moral of the story: Put up with the self-concerned idiots you meet because when you come across someone with a heart of gold they will seem even more special.

What's cooking

London has every restaurant imaginable, ranging from those with great wholesome pub fare to some where you pay a small fortune because a famous TV chef occasionally fires up the burners. Our favourite, during our time in the city, was a little place called Manee Thai, where I earned the nickname 'Bigboy'.

Now that we were in Thailand our number 1 priority was discovering more about it's cuisine. We found a school, located in small house, and along with 3 others spent the morning learning about ingredients and making meals. Sanusi, our teacher, had a love for food but seemed to be a jack of all trades. I was impressed with the way he kept things simple and let the ingredients do the talking. We both had a great morning (I think Jackie even more than me) but after testing the 6 dished we created were pretty stuffed.

Chatuchak Weekend Market

One of the world's biggest markets, with around 15,000 stalls, the Chatuchak Weekend Market (in Bangkok), is mentioned in every Thailand guidebook and even gets a good write-up in 1000 things to do before you die. Not really being a market person myself I had mixed emotions but managed to convince myself that I might encounter something that would make the torture worthwhile.

I was hugely impressed and even though there was the usual collection of junk, the vast majority of stuff was fantastic. I don't think I am converted but and happy to say that I walked around quite comfortably for 2 hours.

VIP bus to Bangkok

Our trip from Koh Mook to Bangkok began with a longboat ride to the mainland and then a transfer to Trang, where we had some time for lunch and a quick internet session. We'd tried to get sleeper train tickets but they were sold out, so we decided to spoil ourselves with tickets on the 24 seater VIP bus. With aircon, a steward handing out drinks, peanuts and cakes, and more than enough space to stretch out, the trip began really well. Along with the confusing bundle of tickets handed to us at the station was a meal voucher and at around 8pm its purpose became clear. Our bus pulled up to a Thai One-stop and we (us and the other 15 Thai passengers) were herded into a dining hall. The 8 dishes brought to the table were so spicy that the iced water sitting in jugs on the tables should rather have been sprayed over us with a hose. A whistle blew and as we were marched back to the bus I glanced into the kitchen and noticed a big smile on the chef's face. Another 9 hours on the bus, after a meal that brought a tear to even the locals eyes, would require immense bowel control or a stomach of steel. The evening movie, 'The League of Extraordinary Gentleman' (in Thai), started as we pulled off and half way in the only people awake (and watching) were Jacks and myself.

The bus had either snagged a couple of dead rats or the dinner was starting to work it's magic on the crowd. Morning arrived and we'd managed a couple of hours of sleep, without being traumatised by any toilet visits. We had a great cup of coffee and hopped off the bus and into a defensive line of taxi drivers that even Jake White would have been impressed by.

Koh Mook

We left Koh Lipe and travelled 4 hours north on a ferry to the relatively quiet island of Koh Mook. Our first choice for accommodation, a place called Sawasdee Resort, was full but we managed to find a cheap bungalow tucked away in the forest just back from the beach. After a quick walk and a swim we found ourselves a great sundowner spot and tucked into 1 of the cheapest meals we've ever had.

The island has some fantastic scenery with massive limestone cliffs, a forest of rubber trees and a few quiet beaches but 1 of its major attractions is the Emerald Cave. We chose to beat the longtail boat tours and set off on 2 kayaks just before 8am, finding the entrance about 20 minutes later. We paddled into the pitch black chamber and about when we were going to turn back we saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Making our way through another of the caves arched doorways we came out onto a white beach enclosed by a huge circular volcano-like formation of limestone and thick vegetation.

The rest of our time on the island was spent relaxing on the beach with the occasional break to feast on the wonderful food on offer.

I might have been distracted in this classroom

Evacuation!

Surely it's not the time for confusion.

Koh Lipe

We caught an early morning ferry from Langkawi to Satun, made our way through Thai immigration and shared a bakkie with another couple who were also travelling to Pak Bara pier. Our original plan was to head to Koh Taratao but after chatting to them we decided to head straight to Koh Lipe. My initial impression of Thailand was that it was very beautiful but I was just wondering if that would be outweighed by the fact that everybody seems to want to rip you off. I knew straight away that my patience would be taken to the limit.

After finally arriving on the island and having donated most of our money to the locals en route we discovered that finding accommodation would be more difficult than expected. My 1st question to everyone who'd told us about the island was if it catered for budget travellers and they had all said yes. The problem for us was that most of this was gone. Somehow we managed to find ourselves an awesome spot on what we would later find out was the island's best beach.

Sunrise beach, a place that received it's name for good reason, would be our base for a couple of days and after venturing to the other side of the island we were thrilled. A beach littered with bars, boats, people getting their feet massaged and crawling with cockroaches that arrived in Thailand a decade ago and have spoilt themselves with a new tattoo every few months.

We joined a snorkeling tour of the surrounding islands, organised by a local girl named Boi, and spent most of the day in the crystal clear waters of the national park. Beautiful hard and soft corals and plenty of fish but I decided to turn my attention to the anenomefish of the area, 7 different types in all. I found 4, including nemo (the clown variety), but my favourite was the skunk, with a white stripe from between his eyes to his tail.

It must be even worse in the real tourist hotspots up north but even on Koh Lipe, because of the demand for food and accommodation, most of the restaurants and hotels couldn't care less about the people walking through their doors. Whenever possible we don't give money to these types but sometimes it is difficult. The best food on Koh Lipe is at a small place called the Sunrise Beach restaurant, run by Kong and his wife Sarah (the chef). Coincidentally it is also the cheapest and most welcoming and we enjoyed every meal with them. Jacks ordered a sprite the one night (she was going to have a shandy) and Kong, without saying a word, hopped onto his bike and vanished into the village, leaving only Sarah in the kitchen and a full restaurant (6 tables). Two minutes later he returned with a couple of sprites in hand.

Langkawi

An island off of Northern Malaysia's west coast, Langkawi is an absolute tourist magnet. This wasn't the reason for our visit, we were just keen to travel up into Thailand along the coast. We found a quiet beach called Tengah and spent our first day relaxing around the waters edge.

Hiring a scooter was our aim for day 2 but the shops were way more thorough than we had expected them to be. My drivers license has a picture of a motorbike, along with that of a truck and all the other codes of licenses it's possible to get, so I was good to go. Jackie has a UK license with no pictures. So with a single 125cc scooter we spent the day zooming around the island, slowly up to the top of a mountain called Gunung Raya, to a beach called Tengung Rhu and to the Seven Wells Waterfall. After returning a very tired bike we settled into the Oasis Beach Bar for a couple of curries and beers. Fate dealt us a wonderful hand, bringing to our neighbouring table a elderly irish couple who have spent most of their winters, for the last 15 years or so, in Thailand.

My new anti-ageing cream seems to be working

The heat of Georgetown brought me to the much visited stage of urgently needing to have my hair removed. I found a Chinese salon and when I told the lady inside that she must cut my hair her eyes lit up. The rest is history.

Georgetown

After a long night bus from KL we arrived on the island of Penang and made our way to the city of Georgetown, a breath of fresh air with charming streets and a laid back vibe. Jacks was almost back to full strength so we managed to explore quite a bit on foot. There was plenty to see with masses of temples, mosques and churches and the never ending clatter of people going about their business.

The variety and quality of food on offer was awesome but for us the highlight was the Temple of Khoo Khongsi. After unintentionally bowing because of a cleverly placed low wall in the doorway you enter a truly ornate and beautiful place, with more to see than you would ever really want to see.

Kuala Lumpur

Our first real taste of Mainland Malaysia was the city of Kuala Lumpur. A place that bathes in it's relatively new wealth, an overcrowded urban sprawl with McDonald's next door to the man whose been frying rice on the same street for 30 years.

Let me at this stage say that our impression of KL was most likely tainted because of 2 things; Jackie had a bad cold and we were staying in the worst hostel in the world (Pudu - but should be Poodoo). After a long journey from Singapore we were both really looking forward to getting a good nights sleep. This would be our only dream for the day because our bed had expired 100 years ago and we had a noisy neighbour, a furious Indian woman who was arguing with her husband on the phone.

The optimistic travellers that we are, we ventured off the next morning to the Petronas Towers and managed to secure 2 of the 1200 free skybridge tickets handed out each day. An amazing building with a great view from the bridge.

Jacks retired to the hostel and I decided to visit the Jamek Mosque, the city's most famous. I found myself a robe and was walking through the outskirts of the structure when I noticed a pair of tourists wander into the main prayer room. A middle-aged fellow (that authorities should really be keeping an eye on) also saw them and went screaming frantically after them. He chased them out and then turned his attentions on anyone else in the area, namely me. He ran up asking if I was Muslim. I managed to stop myself from making any derogatory remark or tying him around the nearest pillar and calmly exited. With a possible international incident averted I de-robed and started making my way out of the grounds but was cut off by another chap. He was very apologetic and told me that I was most welcome in their mosque. I thanked him but said that it most certainly didn't feel that way.

As we left on a night bus we had our last look at the city and the iconic Towers lit up against the night sky I contemplated the city and our experience. A city with architectural genius, with fantastic shops and restaurants and an amazingly varied culture and people but one that lacks any real warmth. If only they would smile once in a while.

Breakfast Singapore Style

A restaurant chain in Singapore called Toast Box has a set breakfast that probably won't be well received with the guests at Sandals but is a hit in my book. A strong coffee, a slice of thick french toast and 2 half-boiled eggs (raw but warmed) that must be mixed in a bowl with some soya sauce.

Raffles

As a farewell to Jacks' mom we got ourselves looking very pretty and joined the colonial ambiance of the Long Bar at Raffles Hotel. Probably the most touristy thing you could do while in Singapore and without a doubt 1 of the most expensive bars around but an experience that really shouldn't be missed. A bar boasting the original Singapore Sling (that is actually worth the ridiculous S$21), an unlimited supply of monkey nuts and mechanically waved wooden fans throughout, with guests ranging from stupid old me to those paying S$6000 a night for a suite, it's a great place to sit back and be happy.

Mount Kinabalu

After relaxing at the beach it was time to get off our butts and walk up the tallest mountain in South-east Asia. We travelled inland and up into the mountains to the Kinabalu Park Headquarters. Our first days walk was only 6km but it was pretty steep and took us up to an altitude of around 3300m. That along with the fact that it was pouring with rain the whole day made it tough going. At this point I'd like to state that I have been banned from disclosing the details of my mother-in-law's adventure up the mountain.

The overnight stop was at Laban Rata and after a couple of hours of sleep, at around 3am, Jackie, myself and our guide (Lanting) set off for the summit. Dangling onto a rope in the rain on a slope that felt more like trout belly than granite, I occasionally wondered what the hell we were up to. We made the summit at 5:30, with the lights of KK in the distance and the indication of an imminent sunrise. The cold weather and the worm of head torches winding its way up towards us was enough reason to set off down again. With the light of the new day we made our way across the tortured granite dome of the top of the mountain and back down to Laban Rata where we met Jacks' mom for breakfast. We set off about half an hour later and as we walked back to the Headquarters I couldn't help thinking how more people don't seriously hurt themselves on a mountain like this.

The joy of sandflies

Tempurung Seaside Lodge

Two hours south of KK, on the beach but pretty much in the middle of nowhere is a lodge that was recommended to us by the receptionist at our hostel in KK. There were a total of 10 guests and we had the ocean to ourselves. The chef new how to make me happy, preparing original and exciting dishes for every meal. I was so impressed that I asked for some time in the kitchen and I got a very formal cooking lesson that should really have been filmed for the BBC food channel. New Years Eve was celebrated with a braai on the beach and an endless supply of free Tiger Beer, attended by the 10 guests and the full quota of staff and family (about another 15).

Kota Kinabalu

The capital city of Sabah, the northernmost province of Borneo and one of the poorest in Malaysia, Kota Kinabalu was a huge change of culture. A place where spitting and littering are actively encouraged and where sleeping is not high up on the list of priorities.

We had a few days to look around and were surprised to find the city's main square overloaded with locals at a Christmas celebration. Slightly confusing when you take into account that the huge majority are Muslim. A festive occasion with a handful of choirs, a couple of different stages with traditional dancing and music and free food for all in attendance.

A walk through the local market was an interesting experience and an overload of the senses (especially smell) and the local food stalls were as colourful as any I've seen, offering an amazing choice of Chinese, Malay and other Asian delicacies. The highlights for me - the Black Pepper Crab and an example of the latest in D&G horsewear.