The Funny Farm

The last thing Jacks and I wanted to do was spend Christmas in a hostel with a group of people that I am beginning to have serious doubts about. I blame the parents but I won't get into that now.

After 2 good experiences with Help Exchange we decided to give it another go and arranged to spend a week on a farm in Alexandra, about 2 hours north of Melbourne. We had a little caravan and all our meals were with the family inside their home. The owner of the farm is sadly very unwell so our duties were fairly extensive, from milking Daisy to gardening with the redbacks. We thoroughly enjoyed it and got to know a place and community that we'd never heard about.

Our host family went off to Melbourne for Christmas so we had lunch with a German couple that was staying on the farm and doing some cherry packing down the road. We needed to catch the bus the next morning and had no way of getting to the town the bus left from. Luckily a little Christmas Fairy (pun intended) name John adopted us for the night and gave us a ride to the bus stop the next morning. We helped him ever so slightly on his farm (feeding his animals and playing with 1 hour old kids) but most of the night was spent side-stepping his mad dogs and listening to some very entertaining stories of his escapades as Lord Carter's butler and his teaching days in India.

The Temple of Melbourne

One day before the Boxing Day Test between India and Australia we visited the holy grounds of the MCG. A really awesome stadium and absolute evidence of the locals passion for sport. Our guide took us all over the grounds and gave us a really good history of the structure and the events that have made it famous. He thought I was really chuffed to be standing in the Australian teams box but I actually had a bit of wind and couldn't think of a better spot to release it. We walked through the Long Room but I unfortunately wasn't allowed to hang around because I had forgotten to wear my suit and old spice. The ground staff don't miss a thing and even spent a good couple of hours vacuuming the entire field.

Optimistic

Hobart and Mt Wellington

We finished off our 2 week loop around Tasmania with 2 days in Hobart. A visit to the Cascade Brewery was first on the agenda, followed by a bit of a walk and then a taste of the fresh seafood on offer.

Just before flying out we signed up on a cycling tour that took us from the top of Mt Wellington to the centre of town. It was overloaded with health and safety (especially when compared with the Death Road Biking in Bolivia) but a ride with wonderful views.

Cascade Premium Lager

The best beer in Tasmania.
The best beer in Australia.
The best beer in the World?

Lake St Clair

Our accommodation at the southern end of the Cradle Mountain - Lake St Clair National park was at the Derwent Bridge Hotel, well and truly in the middle of nowhere. We were about 5km from the Park and walking tracks so once again had to resort to hitching. Our first lift was with an old french chap who was wearing some sort of uniform and smelt like a well used gym towel. A big sign at the information centre stated boldly that snakes were particularly active in the area because of the unusually warm weather. Half way through our 5 hour circuit past Shadow and Forgotten Lakes I turned a corner and was face to face with a Tiger Snake, lying in front of me on the path. Fortunately it decided that it wasn't as ugly as me and buggered off into the bush.

We spent the rest of the evening at the bar in the Hotel, feeling very much at home in a place that reminded us a bit of the bar at Champagne Sports Resort in the Drakensberg. We had a bit of time to kill the next day, so strolled 2km down the road to an art gallery. A sculptor named Greg Duncan is currently working on a 100m wall of wood, the story of the Tasmanian Pioneers, a creation that has taken 2 years so far and will take around another 6 to complete.

Run - Forest - Run

We rounded off our first day in Strahan with a braai on the water at West Beach, a great way to come down from the dizzying heights of my theatrical performance.

The following morning arrived and we checked out and left our luggage at reception (slightly more cautiously this time). It was 8:25 and the 9am cruise down the Gordon River was full, but there was some availability on the 8:30 trip. We hightailed it but arrived at the wharf to the sight of the boat leaving. I sweet-talked a lady at the other company into letting us onto their 9am cruise but we would have to sit on plastic chairs on the upper deck. After a couple failed to turn up we were upgraded to their seats and got a free lunch.

The cruise took us around the Macquarie Harbour, passing through Hell's Gates and also making a stop at a salmon farm. We had a walk around Sarah Island and then got stuck into lunch on the boat. I reckon I must have eaten around 50$ worth of the best smoked salmon so all in all it turned out to be good value for money.

The highlight of the cruise (coming in only just ahead of the salmon) was travelling down the Gordon River and into the forest that achieves 7 out of 10 of UNESCO's criteria for world heritage areas, matched only by 1 other place in the world.

We arrived back into Strahan at 3:30, about 30 minutes late, which meant that we only had half an hour to get our bags and make it back into town for our bus. Another full on sprint but with a full belly of salmon one that was a lot less comfortable. We just made it in time for our bus but turned a few heads in doing so. I think the locals were all shattered that we were leaving the friendliest town in the world in such a hurry.

The ship that never was

Strahan is famous for a couple of reasons. It's the most conveniently located spot to access the Gordon River and has recently been voted the friendliest town in the world by the Chicago tribune. It is also home to 'the ship that never was', the longest running play in Australia, a true story about the escape of 10 convicts from nearby Sarah Island.

An hour after arriving in town we were sitting at the open air theatre not really knowing what to expect. The show began and to our surprise I became Billy Russen, a musket wielding inmate with an attitude. I grasped my moment on stage and the rest is history.

I leave you with an excerpt from the Strahan Times. "Forget about Mr Pitt, this young Brad has something truly special and a good set of pins to match".

Cradle Mountain

We turned inland and ventured into a mountain kingdom worthy of a fairytale. It was fortunate that the land had so much to offer because the people left a lot to be desired. My relationship with the Cosy Cabins reception staff was anything but cosy. Our bus arrived from Launceston at 10:30am and we walked up to our accomodation in the rain. We greeted a few girls behind reception and 1 of them, a blonde freak, replied with 'check in's not til 1'. So much for the importance of a first impression, surely they teach you that at Reception School.

The National Park is a hiker's heaven with unbelievable alpine scenery and vegetation all easily accessible on day walks. We must have had our energiser batteries in because we covered a huge amount of ground in our 2 days in the area, doing a loop around Dove Lake, a circuit past Crater Lake and a tough trek to the summit of Cradle Mountain. This involved quite a bit of scrambling over massive dolomite boulders and I'd definately not recommend it to anybody afraid of heights.

The landscape was coloured with wildflowers and we saw wombats, echidnas, Padymelons and even Tasmanian Devils. I won't mention the possoms because they are really starting to irritate me, which brings me back to the reception staff. Our 2 nights at the lodge would conveniently be in different rooms and we had to check out, store our luggage and check back in later the same afternoon. When we arrived back to our luggage we discovered that 1 of our bags was missing. Jacks mentioned this to reception and we were told that a bus driver had probably taken it by mistake. By this point my sense of humour was also missing and I told them that I probably wouldn't strangle anybody if our bag was returned immediately. Luckily it was with us within the hour and my criminal record remains intact.

Launceston

One of the oldest of Australia's cities but sadly 1 who's heritage has largely vanished under a landslide of development and industry. We only had a day to explore and I think it was more than enough. The best thing about the place is it's proximity to the Cataract Gorge, a great spot for a hike.

MY ISLAND

Just south of the Freycinet Peninsula is Schouten Island, named after Justus Schouten by the Dutch explorer Abel Tasman. It's an uninhabited reserve of granite and sandstone that was once a mining settlement but is now an isolated holiday spot for intrepid locals.

Only 2 boat companies run cruises to the island and while we were there 1 had no skipper and the other no boat. It looked as if our plans of getting to the island had been dashed but we didn't give up. We got hold of a pilot that does scenic flights over the peninsula and organised a 45 minute flight that included a loop around Schouten Island. All the locals refer to it as 'Shootin' Island and I went to great lengths to educate them as to the correct pronunciation and the origin of the name.

The flight was fantastic and gave us a great view of an island that is worthy of my family name.

The Freycinet Peninsula

Our first stop in Tasmania was Coles Bay, a beautiful but comatose coastal town at the doorway to the Freycinet National Park. We'd arrived on the Tassie Link Bus, a service similar to but probably not as complete as the Greyhound. They dropped us at the Coles Bay Turn Off, about 20 km from the town. Fortunately another bus company rocked up so we managed to make it the rest of the way. We hadn't bargained on zero public transport so hitching became our only means of getting from A to B and provided some entertainment at the same time. An elderly couple from Melbourne picked us up late one afternoon and decided to adopt us for an hour, taking us on a guided tour of Cape Tourville.

The area has some fantastic beaches, the most famous one named Wineglass Bay, not only because of it's shape but also because it was once home to a whaling station and when the poor creatures were butchered the bay would fill up with their blood. We spent most of our time walking in the National Park, up and over to Wineglass Bay (with the crowds), along Hazards beach and up to the top of Mt Amos. This was all good but the highlight was simply sipping on a cold Boags watching the way the last rays of the day illuminate the red granite of the rocky peaks and coastline.

The South Island

We'd spent about 5 weeks travelling up Australia's east coast and it was time for something new. After a flight via Melbourne we arrived in Hobart. It was time to explore Australia's South Island.

The Atherton Tablelands

Travel up a pass over the Gillies Range and you've arrived at the World Heritage area of the Atherton Tablelands. We joined a day tour from Cairns and in spite of a pair of idiotic french girls on the bus we had a fabulous time. An area of ancient rain forest, beautiful waterfalls and massive craters. The highlights for us were the Millaa Millaa Falls (where the Timotei advert was filmed) and a tree known as the Cathedral Fig. The last 2 pictures show the top and bottom of the fig.

The Cane Toad

This is a story about the stupidity of man and the wonder of nature.

It all started in the 1950's when the Australian sugar cane industry was being seriously affected by the cane beetle. After investigating the rest of the world they discovered that the farmers of Hawaii were thriving because of the presence of a particular toad that fed on beetles.

Unfortunately they failed to fully study these toads and the implications of their introduction and welcomed them into Australia. They missed 3 pretty vital facts:

1. The Australian Cane Beetles, unlike their Hawaiian brothers that climb the cane, actually fly. Toads are unable to fly so proved absolutely useless.



2. Cane Toads usually lay around 30,000 eggs at a time and are therefore able to increase numbers fairly rapidly.



3. When cane toads are stressed they release a poison that is strong enough to kill a crocodile. This is having a devastating impact on Australia's indigenous wildlife.

Cape Tribulation

Cape Tribulation is the place where the world's most diverse ecosystem on land meets the most diverse ecosystem on the planet. The world's oldest rainforest and the Great Barrier Reef.

On the way up the coast we went on a cruise on the Daintree River and were lucky enough to see a few crocs. One pretty big guy decided to follow the boat for a while and had a look about him that was fairly similar to the one I see in the mirror when I'm in need of a feed. This brings me back to a point that I touched on a bit earlier. There really are a lot of dangerous and potentially deadly creatures in this country. There have been a number of attacks on humans by these crocs and more often than not they're fatal. We happened to see a box jellyfish that had been caught by a lifeguard on Magnetic Island and I made a note to try and avoid them when in the water. When we were snorkelling on the Great Barrier Reef we came across quite a few and even though we were wearing stinger suits we were really careful but probably quite lucky not to be stung. A local chap was recently snorkelling in the Whitsundays (in a stinger suit) and got a box jellyfish sting on the neck. He was rushed on a helicopter to the nearest hospital and saved.

A resident of the rainforests of Northern Queensland is the Cassowary, a large bird that looks like an ostrich from outer space. It recently lived up to its name of being the most dangerous bird in the world by killing somebody. When threatened they jump around one and a half metres in the air, kick their legs out and tear and rip with their claws. There is even a plant that has a vicious streak. It has leaves that are covered in silica needles that become lodged firmly into your flesh if you happen to rub up against them. These needles release a neurotoxin that causes a sensation that is initially an itch but progresses to that of having boiling oil poured over you. This pain is so bad that it has resulted in 2 deaths from cardiac arrests.

Jackie and I turned a blind eye to the killers of the country and explored the beautiful rainforest and beaches of the area. After a great birthday dinner we set off on a guided night walk through the forest. Our mad scientist of a guide was interesting but also really irritating in nerdy kind of way. We came across a sleeping forest dragon, a spider that makes a web between its front legs and then uses it as a net to catch prey and a frog that has a flap of skin the whole way around its body so that it sits completely flush against a rock or tree, wiping out any shadowing and making it really difficult for predators to spot them. By far the most interesting creature encountered was the double-barred firefly which is the brightest of its kind. Light bulbs normally give off around 20% of their energy as light (the rest being heat and kinetic). These flies give off an energy that is almost purely light (about 94%) by passing an enzyme into the fatty tissue of their backsides. I reckon this could be the next big thing in the cosmetic surgery industry.

To end off our time in the rainforest we decided to see it from another point of view and joined a jungle surfing tour. This is basically a series of foefie slides (flying foxes) between a few big trees in a section of the forest, allowing you to glide above the canopy. A great way to experience the vegetation and to test your comfort at heights.